This Body

This body
This fat body
Grew you

Birthed you

Fed you

These arms

These fat arms

All bingo wings and stretch marks

Carried you everywhere

Cuddled you as you napped

Stayed awake long nights holding you,

Comforting cries of hunger or pain

Make cakes for you

Still hug you close each day

The legs

These fat legs

Thunder thighs and chub rub

Walked your buggy til you slept

Bounced you on their knees

Paddled with you in the sea

Ran up and down stairs in answer to your call

This bottom 

This fat bottom 

Sat beside your car seat on every journey

Sits in the audience of all your shows

Will sit with you whenever you need me

This stomach

This fat stomach

Stretched and grew to accommodate you

What more does it need to offer 

After that?

This face

This fat, round face

Double chin, hint of a wrinkle,

Smiles

Laughs

Sings for you

Answers questions

Watches you grow and learn and live

Will be the face you remember

When you miss home

Or grow old, long after I am gone 

This fat body 

Has served and loved and taught you

Sacrificed

Adapted

Offered itself up

For you

Yet,

Someone,

Somewhere,

Somehow, 

Taught you to be ashamed of me

Told you

Fat is offensive

Fat is embarrassing 

Fat is displeasing 

How did they get to you?

When I have hidden those negative thoughts from you. 

When I have neutralised fat.

Used it as descriptor

Stated it as fact

Never shied away from the truth of my size

Fat 

And

Beautiful. 

Lived each day 

Speaking only good things about my body

Talking up 

Strong legs

And kind arms

Praising the tummy that was your home

Even when everything I see and hear

Seems to say

I am disgusting

Everything people do not want to be

Lazy, greedy, ugly, bad

Who ruined your precious heart? 

Made you look at me and see something to avoid?

Gave you the fear of speaking the word?

Started you doubting

Your own beauty?

I am fat!

Yes. 

Like Ursula

That fabulous sea witch. 

I am fat. 

Let your sister speak it.

She is not afraid of it. 

Yet. 

But

Deep inside -

And there is a lot of me

So it could be very deep -

I know that

Fear that

Somehow,

Somewhere,

Someone 

Will get to her too. 

And she will turn

And look at me

And feel the same shame

I have felt all my life. 

She will secretly hope to never be like me. 

Dear one

Don’t be that someone. 

Look at me

Look at this

This body

This beautiful 

Strong

Generous

Good

Hardworking

Protective

Nurturing

Soft

Loving

Damned beautiful 

Body

And love me for who I am

For all that I am

And all that I do

All that I have done and will do 

For you

To love yourself 

Will be

My enduring gift to you. 

©️Laura Moore 2020

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30 Weeks - Hope and Despair

When I told my midwife at my first appointment that I would be refusing consultant-led care, I thought that would be it. They would respect my wishes and my pregnancy would progress in a positive manner.

That was 19 weeks ago.

I was wrong.

Mamatography 3 - Overcoming Fear

This photograph represents something huge. I passed my driving test in 2007, but drove very little after that. I became more and more afraid of driving, and I didn't need to do it because the hubby had a car and could drive me. Otherwise, most places were accessible by walking or public transport. 

When B was born, there was absolutely no way I was going to risk her tiny little life by driving her around myself. We were blessed by others offering lifts. However, when she moved up into her extended rear facing car seat, it was much more difficult as it didn't fit in many cars. We became a bit isolated. I came to the realisation that with baby number 2 on the way, I had to do something about my fears, or we would be stuck at home. 

I decided to try hypnotherapy. Natal hypnotherapy had got me through my first labour, so I was pretty confident that it could help me with driving too. I found a lady nearby who was recommended by a friend. We had one session together. We talked about my past, things that might have affected how I view myself or that had knocked my confidence. And we worked on turning negative thoughts into positive ones. How to see myself as a careful driver, rather than incompetent and hesitant. She did a visualisation with me and sent me a recording to listen to at home. I listened to her soothing voice telling me that I was careful, reminding me to think about successful drives in the past and to look forward to driving in the future. That was in the early stages of my pregnancy. I drove a couple of times when I was pregnant, but only with the hubby next to me, and they were short, simple routes. Fast forward to last week. I drove by myself for the first time ever, both girls in the back. I didn't enjoy it, but I am so proud of myself. I have fought my fears, overcome them and achieved freedom. 

This picture is of my awesome parallel park!!

This post is part of the Mamatography 2014 Project with Diary of a First Child and Momma Jorje.

We are taking (at least) a photo a day, a collage or a picture each week to keep a record of our year. Join us at any point during the year and start sharing your own daily photos!

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