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Friday, 3 April 2015

Mother's Passion


Mary holding baby Jesus' foot



Feet I kissed
Tiny toes counted
Now it is lashes, falls, bones that are numbered
Feet pierced and bloodied

I held you
Carried you on my hip
Slept beside you at night
Our bodies curved to fit perfectly 
Nursed away teething pain
Spent long hours soothing, singing, swaying 

Now you are held by nails
No way for me to offer comfort or release
It is your lifeless form I shall hold against my breast
Willing my broken heart to raise you up
Long hours of pain, agony, searing loss

I recall breathing in your perfume
Milk
Sweet
Tiny head cradled against my shoulder
Now nostrils are filled with the stench
Blood
Bitter
A smell of metal
Head wounded and disfigured 

I watched you working 
With your father
Two faces with a sheen of perspiration 
Strong arms 
Smoothing, sawing, hammering
Wood shaped as if you knew exactly how it was always meant to look.
He was proud of you

Now calling for your Father
I remember 
As I have countless times
Who gave you to me.
You were mine but never mine

"Do not be afraid!"
What was I afraid of?
No fear can equal what I feel now

My son, my son!

My cousin called you blessed
No.
Us
You and me
Blessed!
And yet here we are
Both broken
You will not live 
I can't
Living is not possible with the pain that pierces my heart

Oh!

...

A sword will pierce my heart too...

I was told, warned
But the busyness of life swept it away
I revelled in the blessing you were to me
Cared for you
Prayed for you
Taught you 
Watched you play and grow and laugh

Now you cannot even weep
Your prayer is a sigh, a whisper,
A laboured breath
Forgive...

I lost you once 
Panic in my throat
Shouts and frantic searching 
How had I been so careless?
The tug on my heart then
My precious gift gone
And when we found you
Finally
Relief
Gratitude
A deluge of joy flooding my being
What would I do without you?
Then frustration 
You seemed not to care
More important things to do

But you were obedient
Wise
Strong

Obedient unto death
My heart outside my body
When they hurt
Harm
Humiliate you
I am powerless 

Now you think of me
And I would sacrifice those thoughts
Just to have you with me
But, more important things to do

You said you make all things new 

Hadn't I known this day would come?
Denied it
Willed it not to be so

You were mine but never mine

Your passion was Love
Joy
Peace

Now agony
Slow, painful, cruel
Death will be welcome,
But not this darkness 

Still you love
As if you cannot help it

A gasp

Darkness

You are not forsaken
I am here
My precious child
I am here
I will not
Cannot
Leave you

My Passion


Laura Moore 2015

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