I read in church without you again today. Chris has taken your place on the rota. I still can’t believe I will never get to read in church with you. I was so excited to do it. I was so excited to hear you read again too. I got complimented on my voice, but if you had read it would have been you receiving the praise. It was you who taught me how to read in church. Thank you.
…
Another Treacle Market has been and gone. Another without you. I’ve found myself measuring in Treacle Markets. Last time I saw you, the day you died, then 2 more. Chris is finding it hard not to buy you a croissant. The kids miss their £1 from Granddad!
~
We watched a film you did filming for. We couldn’t see you though. Isn’t that just a metaphor for our lives now? Always looking, never finding you. Just a little “hello” would be nice.
~
Arthur told me this morning that he’s sad because you were his best friend and he misses you.
We talked about your shared birthday when we went to play crazy golf and out for tea. He loved that day so much.
~
There’s going to be a Ghosts film. It was odd not to see you share the news of it to my Facebook page. I miss seeing posts from you about things I’m interested in.
~
A poem you wrote:
“This morning in my B&B
I had bacon, sausage, eggs and tea
Usually
I have muesli”
It always makes me smile.
~
Sometimes I just start crying, out of nowhere.
~
We sprinkled our wildflower seeds on your grave. I hope they grow. You loved sowing seeds.
~
I just want to talk to you.
~
You were so generous. I hope I can live up to that. To give and not to count the cost.
~
Hayley’s funeral was so sad. I know you would have been there if you were still here. I needed a hug from you.
~
Spring is springing. New life. And you’re not here to enjoy it. I must get Chris to refill your bird feeder. Do you think my meadow attempts will be successful this year?
~
Back in 2020 we were sharing our top 10 films on Facebook. You only shared 9:
It’s A Wonderful Life
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
As Good As It Gets
Zulu
Young Frankenstein
The Princess Bride
Harvey
The Producers
The Bucket List
I wonder, what was your 10th?
~
Today has been a hard day. I don’t know why it’s been harder today than other days. I have cried so much today. So many memories have popped into my mind, so many thoughts of what we have lost and what we won’t experience again. And in between the tears I’m cooking, teaching, doing laundry, playing a game of Scrabble with the boys. Scrabble nearly did me in. “Do you know who taught me to play Scrabble?” “Granddad?” “Yep, and I never beat him.”
~
You didn’t watch Severance. Did you use that Apple gift card I bought you? I wish you’d watched it. You’d have thought it clever, I think. I understand the concept of it now. Imagine being able to switch off this agony for a few hours each day.
~
I feel really cold a lot of the time.
~
I still cry every time I think about Terry Pratchett dying, and that was 11 years ago, and I never even met him. How am I supposed to deal with my Dad no longer being in the world?
~
Great. I’m crying because Arthur and I can’t remember the mnemonic you told him to remember the geologic time periods. So many little things now, that seem so unimportant really, but that just keep on confirming how much we’ve lost.
~
We started watching A Man on the Inside. I think you’d like it. This is so hard, Dad.
~
Do you remember when the kids got you to play Mario Kart with them? You were so bad and then by the end of the Grand Prix you were beating them! We all laughed so much.
~
How is it possible that you are not in the world anymore?
~
Sometimes I just find tears rolling down my face before I realise I’m crying. Today it happened when I was looking at an art installation at Jodrell Bank. Cosmic Threads. People all over the world have made squares for these quilts. To do with space and so on. One reminded me that we are all made of stars, and I think it must have been that, and the idea that a part of you is star dust again, that set me off. It wasn’t my usual sobbing. Just tears pouring down as I sat still.
That trip out today is my first in weeks - the only times I’ve left the house have been to go to church or funerals. I hadn’t considered how exhausting it would be.
~
I saw a granddad with his young grandson, walking around Jodrell Bank, and they were just chatting, and I felt so sad that our kids have lost that pleasure.
~
Will there ever be a day where I get to bedtime and realise I haven’t thought about you? Part of me hopes so. A day where I haven’t felt sad all day. But I also don’t want to not miss you.
No comments:
Post a Comment