Dad - some thoughts written over the second month without you
Parenting while grieving is hard. Parenting grieving children is hard. Grieving children don’t always realise they’re grieving. And they don’t always grieve in ways that make you feel sorry for them.
~
My body hurts.
~
Everyone talks at me all of the time. I don’t want to talk about it. Talking won’t bring you back. And it doesn’t make me feel better. And taking everyone else’s grief onto my shoulders is so heavy.
~
When I think of the utter bastards running this world, and how they all live to grand old ages. It’s insane. You are such a good person. You have made such a beautiful difference in this world. So many people love you. So many people’s lives touched by you, changed for the better because of you. Make it make sense. Make it make sense.
~
Just had a moment in the car park that was the last place I saw you. 3 weeks before you died. We didn’t have a proper goodbye that day because you were in a hurry to get J & L home. When I got in the car today though, I saw this van parked near us and it made me laugh. “‘Tis but a scratch! I’ve had worse…” Just the sort of thing you’d say!
~
Remember when we went to the Tower of London together? Just you and me. I got the train in from Winchester and we met, and you bought our tickets with your Clubcard vouchers. It was such a lovely day.
~
We buried you today.
